Barbsie Cola

I am begining to wonder if this month is one-long bad dream that I cannot wake up from. One thing to another, and now my physical form is begining to fail me. Just when I thought that Mama's remedy had come to save the day, I find myself going *ouch* and griping the pantry cabinet for dear life, with the floor and walls going bright then black. Yeah - I passed out at the office today.

So.Not.Good.

Maybe it's the level of stress and the magnitude of something(s) that I have stepped into that is driving me to this edge. Maybe I've been pushing myself silly and like my WiNK mobile, I've been neglecting to have it taken care of and as such, I'll find myself blacking out physically.

As much as I have been denying it, yes - I am stressed. You would only need to look at my face, my hands, the amount of antihistamines that I go thru in a week to know that it is taking a lot of effort to keep my inflamations from exploding like a blow-fish in this space and time.

And it's not the easiest thing to manage. Unlike in Fairview when everyone rides it out together. Well, not exactly. But I have no lack of people to go off-load all this worries to.

When did it all change? Where did it all go wrong?

I wrote today in an email that I do not feel like I want to be around people. And in fact, after writing that, I wrote something else as well which goes like this:

I told myself this morning that I am going to go 3 days without any sign of you in my life. No calls. No text. No emails. In short, you’re gonna find me missing for 3 days. I’m not sure why I choose 3 days – it probably has something to do with Amanda telling me before that I should do this and see how I feel afterwards.

And just the other day, I told my best buddy that when it comes to him, I've learnt how to shut him off mentally.

Let's not even go as far as analysing the fact that one of my boys can leave me a text to say, "This is not working out. Text me your postbox number and I'll drop your birthday gift off in the morning."

Why am I drawing up lines and boundaries when what I need most are my nearest and dearest around me? Sure, I have intimacy issues. But this is also the ME who would sit on her balcony and pour her heart out to her closest group of friends, wallowing from A-Z, at least once a month!

I have not done that since June.

I am cracking. Cracking like you would not believe it. And I would rather leave the tell-tale signs of it here, than over a cup of teh tarik with a good pal.

Do I really hate the word Friends so much that I am dropping it not just from my vocabulary but from my life as well?

What is happening to me?

Who is this that I've become?

It's all been bottled up, and I am consciously putting the fizzing bottle right to the back of the fridge where I cannot see it.

Yups - I am definitely going to die and not have anyone know about it.

And yes - I would not be able to say it was anybody else's fault but my own.