Answering Amanda

Amanda said I have to sit and decide what I want. That’s my life has been adrift for far too long, too many moons. And when I decide what I want, I have to act on it. Either cut the string to the kite or reel it in and bring it home. She says that after so long, I should know and should let it come to the surface.

So here's my answer to Amanda after a night of sitting on my balcony, staring at the moon...

I want to wake up each day, knowing, that someone out there is thinking of me and wishing I was there, just as I would be of him.

I want to come home at night, to someone who would be there, to have dinner with, to share the workday with and then to sit down and snuggle up to.

I want to be able to say everything and anything, to just be myself with that someone and not have to fake my way through a smile.

I want to turn round a corner, and know that I am missed the minute I took my first step away.

I want to turn round a corner and see a face with a smile that could light up a thousand Christmas trees just cos I popped into sight.

I want to laugh, to tickle and be tickled, to horse around and have pillow fights and to surrender myself to a long passionate kiss that speaks volume of what I stand to mean.

I want to be inspired by someone else’s confidence in me, in my abilities, in my intellect and my work. I want to inspire someone else, to strive to be always as good at what he does as he is now, if not better.

I want to sit with someone to share the serious side of life. To talk about the state of the world and the events that unfold. To voice out its impact on my life, our lives.

I want someone who would hold me as I cry and I hurt until that hurt has passed.

I want to know that when I fight with someone, it’s alright. That it happens to be the best of soulmates. And that when everything has calmed and cooled down, it’s alright to say I’m sorry and to come back. That he’ll still be there when I come back or that he will always come back.

I want to have a hand to hold mine as night turns to day.

I may be idealistic. I may be a dreamer.

But I’m no different from any other girl. I want to be loved, cherished, thought of, missed.

No one can promise the world or the future. But that’s not what I am seeking. To live through a day at a time is good enough for me, if I have all the above that I have listed as my wants.

Mandy, I don’t quite know how I am going to pass today. After I have spilled my guts in the most truthful and honest manner that I have yet to be in, in a long long while. Do you know how long it’s taken for me to get here? To this point, when I steeled myself against it for the longest of time, thinking that it would never happen again. That it must never happen?

*Sigh* ... if only I could really believe that at the end of the day, I can be consoled by the fact that there's always death to look forward to.