Oh what a night! It’s 3 minutes to 3 am and I have just come back home. Yes and Yeay! Barbsie’s done it – actually go hang out on a Friday night and be home past midnight *grin*
It may seem a small matter to most of you readers, but it’s a big thing among my old friends. For it has never been known since June 2006 for Barbsie to be found at home on the one night she is not Mummy. Yet, she's abandoned that lifestyle for some months now.
Anyways, with 2 of my boys out – how could I turn down what they have come to call The Gangbang. Yeah – you heard me right. Put 2 ex-boyfriends together and that’s what you get *smiles* And to define for you – it’s meant to be taken as 2 people putting their all to bully me in every way possible *grin*
But anyways, for a girl who has been out at dinner, then drinks and a listen at Backyard to the resident band play, I sure have done a hell of a lot of thinking. Maybe it’s being with these 2 chappies who know me inside out. Where whole words are not needed. Where a call at night meant that I was in shambles.
It is when there is such honesty around me that it breaks me down, taking me out of the freaking river called De-nial, and putting me on dry ground.
~ ** ~
I sat with my friends and watched people dance, drink and twirl. A group of well-dressed professional looking chaps worked so bloody hard to get my attention tonight. Yet all I could think about tonight was this: It’s Friday once again. This is not where I want to be.
Highway run into the midnight sun
Wheels go round and round, you’re on my mind
Restless hearts, sleep alone tonight
Sendin all my love along the wire
~Faithfully~
Journey
~ ** ~
My 3 days of silence ended yesterday.
Looking back, I can’t quite say what the objective was. Alienation yet again? Not really. Too busy with work? Definitely not. To put it simply and in a detached manner, one could say that it was a self-test. The type where you put something through extreme pressure and see how it holds up.
Needless to say, it was quite a wasted effort. Sure – I kept up about half of it. But it was so draining. Yes – it was draining to not do the things that you’re used to doing. Yet it needed to be done. Cos I wrote it on 13th June 2007 the following words…
Maybe ‘twas meant to be so. After all, everything has a shelf-life, a life-cycle. And when running on such full speed, we are bound to run out of steam sooner than later.
Right up to now, you still make me laugh so hard with your funny ways that seem refreshing even though it’s not new. But I have to stop looking forward to your mails, text messages, calls and chats before it ends.
As it is, I am in withdrawal. Withdrawal from a drug called YOU.
And I hate it. I would rather give up cigarettes.
Since you’ve gone I been lost without a trace
I dream at night I can only see your face
I look around but its you I can't replace
I feel so cold and I long for your embrace
I keep crying baby, baby, please...
~Every Breath You Take~
Police
~ ** ~
And with that, life still does not make sense. Should it? Could it? Nobody would ever be able to tell me. And well, I suppose life, like many other things never does make any sense.
~ ** ~
But then again, I cannot really question life when I stand accuse of the same kryme for I guess while I have said a lot, I’ve not really said what is important to me. And in doing so, I’ve probably been leaving pieces out of the 1000 piece jigsaw puzzle set.
But it’s not really leaving out the pieces of the puzzle. I would likely call it more of embedding the truth. Just like this which was written in Closure:
DEREK: “So, I'm asking you, if you don't see a future with us. Please... please just end it because I'm in it. Put me out of my misery."
~ ** ~
I can think of a thousand and one reasons why this posting should be written and then discarded. And among them would be this which was received on 28th August:
There are so many things to do each day
There is so much going on in the world of great concern
that often we do not stop and think about
what is really important to us
One of the nicest things in my life is my friendship with you
and even if we don’t have a lot of time
to spend with each other
I want you to always know
how much I appreciate you
and how much your friendship means to me..
But as Donald-boy said – Barbs, at 25, you can afford to have your head messed with. And even that, a 25 year old has more sense to let it continue to get messed up. So at 32, don’t you think you ought to do better than to hide behind walls?
And so this 32 year old shall listen to the 31 year old.
~ ** ~
You said at the beginning to think of you before I sleep – that way you’ll grow on me. And grow you bloody did. Then you pulled away.
I don’t know what your definition of friendship is for it seems to vary and sway as with your moods. I don’t know what you mean when you say that I’m someone who you can count on to watch your back.
Maybe 8 seconds was not long enough for you to have caught it. And in case you didn’t, I’ll say it here and now:
So, I'm asking you, if there is nothing good other than a best buddydom that could come out of this.. if you don't see a possibility of a us... Please... please just end it because I'm in it. Put me out of my misery.
~ Ends ~
